MUSINGS

Noah de Calangute
By Anthony J Simoes

TWO years ago Noah was mending his nets outside his hut when there was a flash of lighting followed by a booming voice like thunder. It was God, the Father, saying, "Noah, in two years' time I will flood the earth and destroy everybody. I will only save you and your family and one pair of all living creatures."

God then faxed Noah the blueprints for a huge wooden boat to be built and stocked to last out the flood. Last Sunday, I sat with Noah, for moral support, next to his incomplete boat. He was shivering in fright when once again God appeared. He was absolutely livid at the sight of Noah trying to hide near the incomplete boat. God said, "Noah come forth." But in Noah's condition he would not even be able to come fifth. He was speechless as God asked for an explanation.

I put my arm on Noah's shoulder and whispered in his ear that he should speak up for himself. It took some moments for Noah to pull himself together but soon he spoke with growing confidence.

He said: "Lord, I started the work immediately. I submitted your plan to the Town and Country Planning Department. The CTP rejected your blueprints as you are not recognised by them. So I wasted three months and some money by going to a TCP recognised architect.

"As soon as I laid the keel, our vigilant Sarpanch came with an official from some important government department. They pulled out their measuring tapes to check some distances. They then asked me to stop all work because the construction was within 200 metres of the High Tide Line. They relented after Dr. Claude Alvares pointed out that the entire construction was made of bio-degradable material and did not have a foundation. Here I lost another six weeks.

"The Captain of Ports tried to stop work since I had no permission from his Department. So I told him he had no jurisdiction for constructions on the land. He is now waiting for me to try to float it out to sea. He is in for a nasty surprise, Lord!

"Soon thereafter I received a notice from the Mercantile Marine Department asking me what flag I would be sailing under. He threatened me with all kinds of dire consequences. So I reminded him about the "River Princess"'. That ship had no flag from either Panama, Liberia, Vanuatu or even Timbucktoo. That's when an official from the MMD came here personally and yelled at me, "Don't you know that India is the worlds' biggest democracy. Here all men are equal but some men are more equal than others." Just then a pig passing by said "Oink, Oink" as if in agreement. The hens went, "cluck, cluck"…Just like in an Animal Farm. Once again I used the same argument I used with the Captain of Ports.

"Lord, you can see how they were wearing me down.

"Then, I could not find any Goan carpenters and Shipwrights to build the boat. They were either in Kuwait or in Railo's Taverna. So I had to get clearance from the Labour Department and the Unions to hire more than 20% Kanadians. And yet so many of our Goans have become Canadians.

"By this time, Lord, almost a year had passed and I was way behind all our schedules. But I still had hopes. These hopes, however, were soon shattered by the Fire Services folk. They said I would have to install a sprinkler system since the wooden construction was highly combustible. I pointed out that since this boat would only be used during the flood there would be no shortage of water for fire-fighting. I then shut them up by asking about the LPG storage facilities at the Sancoale plant.

"That's when the Forests department stepped in and stopped our wood supply. They claimed that the government had now, for the second time in two years, de-denotified the sanctuaries of forests thanks to the change of governments. I dropped a few names in a conspirato-rial voice. At the mention of a politician-advocate, the official simply wilted. He looked as if he had seen Satan himself.

"Now at last, I thought, I was on the home stretch. I lit a beedi as I surveyed the work going on. There was a commotion and a Gang of Four Women came down on me like a ton of bricks. I received a collective ear-bashing from these ladies before I could say Jack Robinson. It was only after I gave them a tour of the incomplete boat that they suddenly calmed down. They were at last convinced that I was not building another floating Casino. It felt like the calm before a storm.

"Then Lord, as directed by you, I started to assemble the animals. In a flash I was visited by an animal activist, who claimed that my action was a violation of Animal Rights and her own rights. She has spent years of her life saving hundreds of stray dogs whilst I am quite content with saving two. Lord, she cannot bear to see dogs being drowned and so she filed a Writ Petition in the High Court. Fortunately, a legal luminary came forward to file an affidavit on behalf of the P.W.D. Chief Engineer-storm drains, saying that they are adept at dealing with floods since Goa gets flooded every time there is a 10 minute downpour.

"Yesterday, Lord, I got summons from the Chief Hydrographer, Coast Guard, Navy and the Ministry of Surface Transport and Inland Waterways Division. They have asked me to demarcate the proposed flood plain for the impending flood. I will soon be sending copies of the World Map."

Suddenly there was a blinding flash of light. The dark clouds started parting. A blue sky was exposed. The sun smiled and in the distance we saw a rainbow.

Noah and I both sang, "Praise the Lord, we are saved by Him."

Then God laughed loudly and said, "Saved you? You must be joking! With the kind of jokers you have administering your land there is no need for me to destroy anything I have created. You lot are doing a marvellous job."